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Last Post 4/5/2012 5:50 PM by  The Phantom
What if James Axler was a real person?
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AP
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4/4/2012 4:06 PM

    What if James Axler had been a real person? One author who had written 100+ DLs? (as many newbies mistakenly surmise)

    We all know it isn't the case, but adopting that broad, if deluded view has some upsides.

     

    The variation in style and execution, the long stretches of weak work could then be laid to stages in "his" life. His "blue period." His "addicted to huffing whipped cream period." His "divorcing from his eighth wife period." His "tax audit period."

     

    The wild swings in product quality from one book to another could also result from a psychological abnormality like multiple personality disorder. JA didn't write DL number 109; one of his many alter egos did. The one who sucks his thumbs and only eats white food.

     

    Where am I going with this?

     

    I think it is much easier to forgive all the lapses if there is an understandable cause, something we can all relate to. None of us (even the people who wrote the books) can figure out why GE operates the way it does. And posters here have been chasing their tails trying to unravel that for a decade. So why not put a single human face on it? Start out with the proposition that JA is a real, albeit flawed individual, terribly overworked and underpaid, who sometimes hits the mark and sometimes not? Instead of calling out this or that writer for hire for errors or bad books, blame it on the gin and tonics JA was into, or the Thai porn, or the car accident, or "Billy Bob."

     

    If this personalization doesn't appeal to you, there is another option—in my view somewhat less satisfying. Assume no real people ever had anything to do with the series. That the books were complied from strips of printed text spun in a drum, like Bingo numbers. Some clerk in the Harlequin tower pulls out enough word strips to fill 320 pages, and presto, DL#112. Some of the books are very good (100 monkeys writing Shakespeare), but most are not. And errors are repeated because the strips are returned to the drum after each use. In this case there is no one to blame. Not even the clerk. And buying and reading DLs becomes a profound Act of Faith that the universe we inhabit is more than merely random.

     

    These aren't the only possibilities, of course. I'd be interested to hear other viewpoints, if you have them.

    AP

    The Phantom
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    4/4/2012 6:01 PM

    Zombie LJ!


    A secluded shack where LJ's body labors eternally on DL manuscripts, powered by whatever forces that keep zombies alive, writing day and night, pumping out a DL novel every month.

    Lack of editorial staff result in many errors in the print due to pieces of rotted flesh that fell on the manuscript.

    Soon the readers themselves die, and their zombie bodies continue on, snapping up the books every month for eternity!







    AP
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    4/4/2012 6:09 PM

    The Phantom,

    That is an original vision of Hell that made my jaw drop. (It fell on the floor under my desk.)

    I knew you had it in you.

    AP

    Sin-Eater
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    4/4/2012 7:00 PM
    Superior alien beings have been living amongst humans for decades posing as James Axler writing DL novels and using the books as puppet strings for human minds for nothing more than their own amusement. As the human’s educational institutions spiral downward the aliens themselves have fallen victim to a nonchalant attitude and put forth less effort for each DL entry because quality work is no longer necessary to achieve the same amusement.
    )3az )3aziah
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    4/4/2012 7:25 PM

    With LJ's Carpal tunnel syndrome getting ever worse he give up typing his manuscripts and took on a number of busty blond typist to do his finger work Driven by his over active imagination his tales got more lurid and he began to mumble and ramble. Being blond (and American) the typists failed to understand a lot of what he dictated due to his constant mumbles and his quaint English accent and modern DL was born...

     

    Jim

    ===============================
    Billy Fish: He wants to know if we are gods.
    Peachy Carnehan: Not gods - Englishmen. The next best thing.


    Please check out my FLICKR photos
    AP
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    4/4/2012 10:38 PM

    More great explanations! Perhaps Ron should consider adding a new tab to the homepage banner: DL COMPLAINT DEPT.

    All the posters who can't understand why DL is the way it is (same clothes, same guns, never bathing, lame catchphrases, factual inconsistencies, 70s porn sex scenes, no unifying story arc, etc.) could be directed there. The COMPLAINT DEPT. would list all the submitted explanations for the literary travesty that is DL, and posters and lurkers would be free to choose whichever tickled their fancy. Or mix and match.

    Think of the time that would save. It would be a public service.

     

    The Phantom
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    4/5/2012 5:50 PM

    Ah yes, but then Nick Pollotta emerges through the wooden doors of the gas powered redoubt, snatches a bio-wep shotgun from a triangle-eyed crab, points the gun at you... *ka-shick!*... and says " I got your Complaint Department right here!"


     


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