A good start, JMD.  Tenderness is fine for an opener, but DL readers want ACTION.  How about jumping forward in time and showing Mommy and Daddy teaching Little Rain how to chill stickies?  Using a live one for target practice, of course.

"No, honey, you can't kill them with knives," says Mommy.

"But why, Mommy? Don't they have hearts and lungs and livers like us?"

"Rain," Ryan says, "do like Mommy says and use your hand blaster. Just like we taught you: two in the chest, one in the head."

"But I want to stab it, Daddy.  Why can't I stab it?"

"Because stabbing won't chill it, Honey," Krysty says.

"But why, Mommy, why?"

"Because it won't work."

"But why?"

"Because LJ said so!" Ryan replies.  "Now, put that pistol to its radblasted head and pull the trigger!" 

....

Much better.  It's all about exploding stickies.

Two minor points: we need a bit of dialogue at the end. You know, Mommy and Daddy telling Rain great job, or debriefing her on the killshot. Maybe they go "out" for dinner to celebrate?  Get some rat-on-a-stick from a ville street vendor?

Also, the Hi-Power is going to kick like a mule in the hands of a five-year-old.  For "realism's sake," we need to see Rain fighting to control the recoil.

One more thing, when GE buys this book from you, do I get a cut? (Developmental Editing is never free.)  Say a cool ten percent off the top?  That would come to about $1.98 American.  Money order or Paypal, please.  

hell yeah i will give you some off the top..so how to i have GE buy into this and have me write it? :-D

and wait..A child of Ryan and Krysty? hells she could wield a desert eagle at 5 years old! :-)

end of my last blurb fixed and some dialog added :-)

Jak not have 'c' in name.

yeah i forgot...i'm horrible at spelling..Ron..need to add a spell checker to this site :-)

Posted By Ron Miles on 22 Apr 2009 12:06 PM
Jak not have 'c' in name.

Spellcheck no have DLtalk.

fixed already! can we get a DL spellchecker? ;-) i think i used "radblasted" in a sentence once...stopped the conversation cold..too funny lol!

Posted By JettaManDan on 22 Apr 2009 11:57 AM
hell yeah i will give you some off the top..so how to i have GE buy into this and have me write it? :-D 

If you go to my website, and look in newsletter #6 (I think that's the edition, but it might be #5), in the AskAl section you will find specific instructions on how to meet and impress agents and editors.

well then...off i go!

Posted By JettaManDan on 22 Apr 2009 12:15 PM
well then...off i go!

I just checked. The information you seek is in OAP #6, the last AskAl letter in the issue, from Charmayne DeVilbiss, Simon Detloff Literary Agency, from New York, New York

read it.....thanks...

i've written some more..thinking about a Slaughter Realsm type of deal Alan has going..a website with chapter updates...anyone want to read what i have got so far and give me their thoughts?

They should just name her "Little Debbie" cause she's likely to end up as some mutie's snack cake.

not with the gun i came up with for her ;-)

guess no one is reading this..makes me sad..i have more to contribute!

Posted By JettaManDan on 29 Apr 2009 04:56 PM
guess no one is reading this..makes me sad..i have more to contribute!

Uhh, JMD, did you look at the number of views on this thread? Three-hundred forty!  If that makes you sad, you sorely need a kick in the butt.